The political season, having reached the expected crescendo of crazy, The Missus told me she was tired of it all and wanted to talk about something else.
Not that I’m constantly going on about it, but even the little I mention is too much, I guess.
“Fine,” I said. “Let’s talk about Flat Earthers.”
With a sigh, she dropped her head into her hands.
“Jehovah’s Witnesses?”
Belief has always fascinated me. For one thing, the varieties of religious belief are astounding (“But there is only one that’s right” I hear you say). I’ve heard it asserted by confident believers that “everyone has religious beliefs of some kind, whether or not they know it.”
I dispute such claims. Having spent many hours attempting to determine what beliefs I hold that could be called “religious”, I came up empty. Like Scott Adams, I’m willing to entertain some beliefs on a purely recreational basis. For instance, it’s fun to think that Sasquatch is real, and especially thrilling if, at the same time, one is camping in the wilderness. And UFO’s are a constant topic of interest, though the prospect of a deep anatomical probe dampens the fun somewhat.
Neither of these things needs to really exist to be entertaining. That’s what recreational belief is all about: it’s not a religious thing, but more of a diversion or hobby, like knitting, or building a backyard nuclear power plant.
Owen Benjamin, a comedian and Flat Earther was talking on his podcast about Flat Earth models. In an effort to be scientific, he used the term “models” instead of “beliefs”, but I don’t buy it because of the several Flat Earth “models” none is coherent or precise, and none answers all the problems inherent in a Flat Earth.
Spherical Earth explains everything. No Flat Earth model is proven–or accurately modeled– they all require faith in things unseen; they all require doubt in verifiable scientific facts; and they all require a willingness to speculate and entertain secondary absurd supporting theories (gravity doesn’t exist; the Firmament; NASA is evil; space travel is fake, etc.). There is no level of ridiculousness to which they will not crawl to defend their silly beliefs. In fact, the crazier the better, because absurdity is a feature, not a bug. Like the early church apologist Tertullian, they believe because it is absurd.
Speaking of absurd, in his podcast, Benjamin referred to an anime comic series about ancient giants who—get this—died and became mountains. Owen then attempted to draw a parallel between veins of gold in mountains and veins that carry blood within our bodies. The fact he felt inclined to draw the comparison makes me think his flat earth beliefs have warped his critical thinking skills (if he ever had any). It’s also possible that, as a comedian, he’s just doing a goof. Though if that’s the case, he forgot to add a punchline.
He’s not the only one to entertain these silly “theories”. The internet is rife with people posting photos of mountains that vaguely resemble faces, and mesas and bluffs that look like giant tree trunks (think Devils Tower in Wyoming, which is a frequent item posted). Many of the images are obviously AI generated, and most of those posting are self-confessed Flat Earthers.
Once you buy into a particular viewpoint that requires an assent of will without evidence—a belief—does that make you more inclined to accept other, more unconventional beliefs? It would seem so. This makes it hard to gain converts. If you’re trying to convince me, falling for every wacky conspiracy theory that comes staggering down the road doesn’t do much for your argument.
As I look at the varieties of belief, I mostly concern myself with Christianity. But Christianity grew from Judaism. For a religion that started with ten rules, it didn’t take long for those rules to multiply into I don’t know how many more to include prohibiting pork and slicing off chunks of skin in one’s nether region.
As for Christianity, what apparently started with a wandering preacher within four hundred years “transubstantiated” into one omniscient god in three distinct persons, The Almighty One And Only Three In One.
It’s clear that beliefs expand with time, perhaps to keep up with cultural changes, or to answer specific questions, or maybe just to help with recruiting. I don’t know, but the result is a host of often weird beliefs and practices that seem to have no relationship to reality. Also, often the oldest and most primitive beliefs are never rescinded, so you end up with layers and layers of beliefs and rules that can seem contradictory.
Which brings me back to the Flat Earth (forgive me, I just can’t get over my fascination with it). Talk to any FLERF and they will eventually quote a Bible verse or two or three as proof for the existence of a dome or firmament in the sky. According to FLERFs the firmament is an impenetrable barrier. The dome (firmament and dome appear to be interchangeable terms for the same thing) extends over the whole of the flat earth. The idea of the Firmament or Dome is a Bronze Age myth the Hebrews shared with the Babylonians. According to FLERFs, we all live in God’s Terrarium.
And they will never accept proof of their error. Here’s a graphic (below) I created describing a problem with Flat Earth. Specifically, the location of the sun in the sky on the Spring Equinox. When viewed from the North Pole at noon on that day, the sun would appear to be at 0° on the horizon. But when viewed in London, the sun is at a 38° angle. Further, when viewed at the equator, the sun is 90° overhead. That’s on a spherical earth. But on a Flat Earth, the 0° angle view from the North Pole would place the sun in direct contact with the earth at the equator. What sunscreen SPF would that require?
Of course, the Flat Earthers have no answers except insults. I am apparently a tool of Satan.
Ultimately, the idea of a flat earth is religious and not scientific. You’ll accomplish nothing arguing science with a Flat Earther, because their theoretical foundation is a Bronze Age myth. Mark Twain said (or wrote – don’t make me look it up) that arguing with idiots is like wrestling a pig; you both get muddy, but the pig actually enjoys it.
I’m not sure what to make of all this, other than to reinforce the truism that the world is full of fools. Who knows? Maybe Flat Earth is a clever recreational belief and/or Psyop intended to keep us from learning about the big underground cities that will house what’s left of humanity as a food source for the Lizard People when they take over the world.
And that’s absolutely true. No joke! I heard it from a guy on the internet.
About the Author
Topdog is Steve Merryman, a retired graphic designer, illustrator, and unrepentant asshole. Steve can usually be found working on a portrait commission or some other artwork. Steve fills his days by painting, writing, shootin' guns, cuttin' trees, hiking with his dogs, and savoring a beer or two, all while searching for the perfect cheeseburger. He studiously avoids social media and is occasionally without pants.