Every time I encounter a flat earth believer, it’s like coming across a highway accident. As I slowly inch by the sputtering road flares, I try not to look at the broken inferences, non-sequiturs, and bloody analogies strewn on the road.
But look I must.
In doing so I feel pity and sadness at the loss of another misled mind that swerved into oncoming science, saying to myself, “if only they had been secured by critical thinking, they could have avoided this tragedy.”
I felt that way when I learned of The Final Experiment and its totally predictable conclusion: The scientific fact that in Antarctica the sun shines for 24 hours in much of December. This was a major blow to the flat earth model of a world encircled by a wall of ice, and the Flerfs (short for Flat Earthers) were visibly shocked and disappointed, while the Glerfs (short for Global Earthers) were not surprised in the least.
Right now, I’m sure there are many disappointed Flerfs out there looking for something, anything that will allow them to salvage their pet theory (as well as their dignity).
That’s where I come in.
I could easily explain to you why your flat earth theory is totally and completely nuts, but I know you’d never listen to me – because you never listen to anybody. Instead I’ll give you alternatives that align with your penchant for myth, your overwhelming paranoia, and your natural inclination to simply make shit up. Feel free to build a massive case of bullshit to support any of these imaginary alternatives. After all, that’s what you do best.
So (with apologies to Letterman) here are the Top Ten Reasons the Sun Shined for 24 Hours in Antarctica;
10. Bingeing Seinfeld episodes.
9. Just moved into a new apartment and the light switch is hidden behind boxes and a life-size cutout of Regis Philbin.
8. Busy explaining to Moon the ending of the movie Interstellar.
7. Assembling a bookshelf from Ikea.
6. Stop moving! I’m motion activated!
5. Trying to figure out Bitcoin.
4. Reading smoke detector instructions.
3. Still counting votes from November 5.
2. Misread NASA’s request in Spanish as “24 whores” – hanging around just in case.
1. Penguins. Can’t get enough of ‘em!
About the Author
Topdog is Steve Merryman, a retired graphic designer, illustrator, and unrepentant asshole. Steve can usually be found working on a portrait commission or some other artwork. Steve fills his days by painting, writing, shootin' guns, cuttin' trees, hiking with his dogs, and savoring a beer or two, all while searching for the perfect cheeseburger. He studiously avoids social media and is occasionally without pants.
Comments 1
Ha! I’m nearly certain that the Flat Earthers is a CIA psyop to make anyone who has a different opinion look crazy.