For your reading pleasure, here is my latest bartering experience with a Bernese Mountain Dog.

On our morning walk in the woods, I discover the big Berner has a freshly decapitated deer’s head. I don’t know where he found the head. It could be a coyote or cougar kill; it may have been from a bow hunter.

I don’t care.

These woods are full of deer carcasses. Drought. Bluetongue (EHD). Death. The deer population has taken a big hit this year. But they’ll recover. In the meantime, the dogs keep finding and dragging pieces home or eating them where they lie. It’s a constant battle all fall and now into winter.

The dog is now sitting in the dirt, gnawing on the cheek.

I need to take it away.

Grabbing it from him is not an option. Attempting so will only start – in his mind – a fun game of Keep Away, which I will certainly lose.

In order to claim his prize, I must begin a delicate dance of offer and counteroffer.

Dogonomics 101

I begin the bartering session.

My opening offer is a small dog treat.

Winslow, our feisty Bernese Mountain Dog, glances at the treat in my hand.

He gives a short growl and chuffs. Then he rises from the ground, deer head hanging from his mouth, and trots a few feet away. The dog settles down in the dirt, this time with his back to me. He chews the nose.

He’s offended. Clearly, my initial offer lacked sufficient value. I knew this, but you can’t blame me for trying.

Not wanting to spook him, I carefully step closer.

Increasing my offer, I now show him two dog treats.

He considers the offer. His eyes dart up at me and then back to my hand. The Berner goes back to chewing the deer’s nose.

Still too low. But he stays in place, so I know I’m getting close.

Three dog treats. My final offer.

The Art of the Deal!

Winslow rises and drops the head. He stands near it, waiting for me to keep my end of the bargain.

I hold the treats out and toss them ten feet away.

He goes for the treats. Moving fast, I go for the deer’s head. That it is missing a nose does not affect its value to me. I care only that Winslow no longer has it.

In thirty minutes, we’re back home, and I toss the head over the fence surrounding the garden. It’s the only means of keeping the dogs away.

Ironically, we built that garden fence to keep deer out.