Trying to get my art-career off the ground has been a long and disappointing challenge. It seems I keep getting pushed aside by those with more marketing savvy.
Consider, for instance, the beautiful young lady from Sweden who posts Instagram videos of her painting in her underwear. She's got 70,000 rabid art-loving men following her every move.
I tried to copy her technique, but I wound up getting kicked off Instagram for violating some ridiculous rule regarding Community Standards, whatever that means.
The only other responses I received were a rash of solicitations for weight loss and dieting. Marie Osmond is quite persistent.
But Marie's persistence gave me another idea:
What I need is a big name endorsement!
People want a piece of something famous. They want to feel close to the rich and powerful. It makes them feel like they are part of an exclusive club. So when some famous bigshot recommends a product or service, people respond…big time!
It worked for Hertz Rent-A-Car® and Jell-O®!
Speaking of, I heard Bill Cosby is available, having recently been freed from previous obligations. Maybe if I call him we can hammer out a deal over drinks.
The trouble is that powerful people don't give away their good name for free. He or she will want something in return. Usually that "something" is money, but maybe I can work out a trade.
Hmmm. What could a famous person want from me in exchange for their endorsement other than money? I guess it depends on the person.
In thinking about it, I've really got very little they would want. Except perhaps Nancy Pelosi who, I'm sure would enjoy consuming my eternal soul because she's the Devil.
But politicians are a bad idea, always and everywhere.
On the other hand, connections to a politician have certainly helped Hunter Biden's nascent art career. You don't go from zero sales and no experience to half a million per piece without connections. And judging by the art, he certainly knows how to capitalize on a famous name.
But how is that going to help my art career?
Once again, I'm aced out of the competition. This time by someone with a famous daddy.
Well, maybe two can play at this game…
Dear Anson Williams;
Please adopt me.
Perhaps you already have what you think are loving and devoted children. I've got news for you: like most Hollywood kids, they're probably ungrateful schmucks! You need the real thing, a child unpolluted by the grasping poison of greed and perversion that infuses every square inch of the entertainment industry.
That child is me.
You may be wondering why a fifty-nine year old struggling artist would seek adoption in the first place.
The answer is obvious: Both my parents have passed, so technically I'm an orphan.
As for my age? If you read my blog for any length of time, it becomes clear that I pretty much identify as a thirteen year old desperately in need of maturity. Perhaps you can provide the gentle but firm hand that guides me to higher things, and away from all those easy poop jokes. If a potential parent can provide that kind of guidance, one is truly never too old for a loving parent/son relationship.
Look, here's the deal, I need to get my art career moving, and as Hunter Biden has shown, launching a lucrative art career requires neither talent or experience. All you need is name recognition (and maybe a Chinese communist and a Ukrainian or two, but we can worry about that later).
And who better to lend that name recognition other than Anson Williams, aka "Potsie", the widely acknowledged heart and soul of the beloved sitcom, Happy Days.
Plus, if you would be willing to adopt me, I will give you 10% of my earnings (just like Joe Biden). Heck, I'll even call you "Big Guy" if you wish.
Finally, as your legal son and heir, I promise to stay by your side when your final performance arrives and you exit the stage of Life. I will be there, seeing that you are comfortable, wiping the dribble from your chin and seeing to the care and management of your vast estate, investments, and financial holdings.
So that's my offer. In the end it can work well for both of us. I get my art career off the ground. You get to wet your beak with every sale, and avoid dying alone and forgotten. What's not to like?
Please respond as soon as possible. Time is of the essence, as I have similar feelers out to Suzanne Somers, David Hasselhoff, and Jerry Mathers.