State Approved Exercises

Since we’re confined to our homes by order of The State, it’s important that we all maintain our health so that we do not become a burden to The State, which is working diligently to keep us safe from harm. We owe a debt of gratitude to our State Officials for all they are doing during this time of sacrifice and loss. The fact they are still being paid full wages while we are not is simply a small demonstration of our appreciation for their Sacrifice.

As The State becomes our reason for living, we owe it to The State to be good servants. Part of that obligation is to maintain our healthy respect for The State’s Authority in all matters, because The State truly knows what is best for us.

With that in mind, here are a list of State Sanctioned (is there any other kind?) Morning Exercises.

Warmup Stretches: Stretch the precious few dollars The State allows you to keep. Assuming it is your designated day and all your papers are in order, you may (under The State’s watchful Eye) travel to a local grocery store. While there, avoid fresh groceries (too expensive!). We recommend visiting the dumpster out back.

Bends (FORBIDDEN): The State has established rules you must follow. Bending these rules is not allowed. Rule Benders will be punished to the furthest extent possible by State Enforcers who delight in making up new levels of their authority on the spot.

Twists: If you are a State Official, congratulations! Your future is secure and your family will be well fed. Now take a good, strong hold and twist the Constitution into a shape that allows you to maintain control and power.

Lifts: Lift your spirits by trusting The State to supply all the answers, because Safety and Security are more important than freedom or thinking for yourself.

Pulls: When The State offers handouts, pull them in vigorously. More is better. This is where reps really pay off.

Squats: Do a deep squat and dump a deuce on the Bill of Rights! By following all The State asks without question (and monitoring our neighbors so that they also remain steadfast in their devotion), we collectively squat and shit on a ragged, useless piece of paper authored by dead white slave-owning men. Huzzah!

By following these State Mandated exercises, you will become a better subject of The State, and more tightly bound to that Entity from which all good things come.

Well done, Comrade!

Not my idea, but it was too good NOT to steal.

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