"Good morning, Mr. Sanders. Welcome to SIGMA."
"Thank you. It's great to be here in lovely Spokane Valley with all you wonderful people!"
"Yeah. It's just me. As you know, this is an initial interview for the position of graphic designer here at SIGMA. I'll be asking the top candidates back for followup interviews prior to making my final decision. In political terms, you can call this the primary, and my final interview would be the general election."
"Yes. I'm familiar with the political process."
"Good. Let's get started. Tell me about your design philosophy."
"It's very simple. I practice socialistic design principles."
"Socialistic design principles. It's a means of producing design that benefits the working class and prevents obscene profits of corporations and the greedy."
"You do realize that many of our clients are, in fact, corporations, don't you?"
"You also realize that much of design is intended to serve the profit motive of these corporations, do you not?"
"Yes. It's an unfortunate situation."
"Indeed. But the good news is that socialistic design principles are intended to rectify the inherent inequities arising from unrestrained greed by producing design that actually reduces corporate profits to reasonable levels."
"What? You aren't… really?"
"I create design for the proletariat. Not for greedy capitalists. Here's an example from my portfolio."
"Finally! Let's look at some of your work."
"This first item is a package I designed for Vibe Deodorant. Because I follow socialistic design principles, I can't in good conscience promote this product solely to increase evil corporate profits. There are better things a corporation could be doing. I mean, you don't necessarily need a choice of 23 underarm spray deodorants when children are hungry in this country. My solution was unique. Note the branding statement under the product name."
"'Smell Like A Hungry Child'?"
"That was one of my best!"
"I notice the design is bland and unremarkable."
"That's my signature style. My feeling is, it's just deodorant, not something important like free college. There's no room for innovation and compelling design when you're trying to take back America from greedy billionaires. And the good part is, as a result of my excellent socialistic design work, Vibe corporate profits are down. Way down. I'm very proud of that."
"I get that a lot. Inspirational, isn't it? I'm a strong believer in the power of design to do good. That's why I design so poorly – on purpose!"
"Your choice of a nearly unreadable blackletter font was unusual."
"Socialistic design principles favor the under-privileged. That goes for poor fonts as well as people. Just because a font is unreadable doesn't make it worthless. We need to remember that every font is just as valuable and worthwhile as the next."
"All right. I think I've seen all I need to see of your work, Mr. Sanders. Do you have any questions for me?"
"Yes. I notice you have quite a few awards. Why?"
"Why do we win awards? I'd like to think it's because we do good work that is respected by our peers and clients. They also serve to demonstrate a high level of achievement in terms of professionalism and excellence."
"Don't you think that's a little unfair?"
"To the other designers who didn't win? Every time you win an award, there are undoubtedly several entrants that didn't win but worked just as hard. That's not fair."
"I take it this is another aspect of socialistic…"
"Socialistic design principles. Yes. It's a major aspect. You see, just as greedy corporations exist solely to profit from the less-advantaged, I believe award-winning designers exist solely to hoard all the awards from the less talented and the less imaginative."
"Wow. Just… wow."
"I know! I can see you are getting the message. Let me just say that if you select me for this position, I will work to fix this broken award system that rewards a few and ignores the vast majority. Design is not a crime, so why do we punish poor designers by refusing to give them awards? We should seek equality in all things, and that means outcomes should be equal as well."
"So anyone who desires it should win an award even if they have no talent, no skill, and no idea what they are doing?"
"Exactly! Awards for everyone! Results don't matter! Intentions are the most important! The fact that you WANT an award should be the only requirement to DESERVE an award. Merit-based advancement is pro-capitalist and anti-human. Equality is everything. Innovation should be managed by impartial third parties to assure no one profits unduly, and imagination and creativity can thrive only when properly directed by socialist oversight."
"What you're describing is…"
"A perfect world! I know! So, when do I start?"