wipe privilege

Toilet Paper Wars

topdogTime Wasters

I just don't get the toilet paper panic. Of all the things to panic-buy in preparation for a virus, toilet paper would be very far down on my list. Somewhere below toothpaste, but above window cleaner.

Here in Washington state, we currently have the most Kung Flu victims in the nation (Yay! We're Number One!). I live on the easternmost part of the state, just a few miles west of Idaho. We're so close that on a quiet night, I can stand outside and if I listen carefully, I can hear, or imagine I hear, the sound of freedom. In many ways, Idaho is much more free than we are here in the socialist paradise of Washington state. To be fair, most of the socialism virus (a more sinister and deadly pathogen) is contained on the west side of the state, but a lot of it spills over into eastern Washington. And a lot more of it is forced on us by the elected idiots in Olympia.

But this post is about the other virus. The one with the death toll in the low thousands, not the hundreds of millions (Question: What did Socialism say to Kung Flu? Answer: "Hold my beer").

So far the Kung Flu has killed about 4,000 people. A lot more people are going to die, and in the meantime everyone else is busy losing their minds and buying toilet paper.

Toilet paper.

Do they know the Kung Flu is a respiratory virus?

The panic is making for some odd interactions. People are nervous and jumpy, especially if you've got the sniffles or a slight cough. The Missus recounted a story from a Facebook friend who had a sneeze attack at an inopportune moment:

Doing drive-up grocery pick-up and the attendant hands me his phone to sign exactly at the same time I feel a sneeze coming on & I end up sneezing all over his phone.

Me: "I am SO sorry. I am not sick."

Him: "Um, that's okay..." (clearly he thinks I have coronavirus)

Me: (attempting to wipe the screen with my shirt - I hand it back to him)

Him: "You need to hit 'ACCEPT' and hands it back to me as I sneeze again."

Me: "Sorry, I sneeze in multiples... "

Him: "That's fine. (obviously not convinced) I will load you up so you can go...."

Yeah. I'm guessing that guy either ran for the disinfectant, took a bleach bath, or boiled himself for twenty minutes. Either way, that phone went into the garbage. Guaranteed.

As for us, I think we're good. We're always ready for power outages and blizzards, and we keep stocked up on most everything. And if it comes down to it and all our toilet paper is used up… well, there's always the cats.

wipe supremacy
About the Author


Topdog is Steve Merryman, a graphic designer (retired), and illustrator. Living in the woods, Steve can often be found working on portrait commissions. In his spare time he paints, writes, shoots guns, cuts trees, hikes with his dogs, savors a beer or two, and searches for the perfect cheeseburger. He studiously avoids social media and is occasionally without pants.

Share this Post