Ahhh! Spring! When the flowers are blooming, the sun feels warmer, and I finally bare my legs with an albedo so strong it blinds the crew on the International Space Station.
I used to be embarrassed by my white legs this time of year, but I’m now 62 and that’s officially Too Old To Care What People Think®. In fact there is lots of stuff I no longer worry about, and my personal appearance is Number One on the list. Creating bad smells is Number Two!
That reminds me of a news item I saw a while back about what archeologists were claiming was the largest – and I’m not making this up – fossilized human turd ever found. They even had a picture!
My response: “Largest? Clearly that’s Number Two!”
Having now fulfilled my obligation to provide at least two poop jokes per blog entry, I think it’s time to “move” on (Ha! Bonus joke!).
Speaking of personal appearances, my friend Dan once told me about his visit to a beauty school where he received a free neck waxing as training for the students. He’s younger than I by a whopping 7 months or so and is surprisingly still concerned with how he looks.
He tried to convince me to give it a try as well because FREE. He didn’t see the look I gave him which was a combination of confusion, contempt, disgust, and amusement (don’t try it at home kids, your face might stay that way!).
“Dan,” I said, “I’m in my sixties. I’m bald. I have a belly hanging over my belt, a bad knee, yellow teeth, Coke bottle glasses and bags under my eyes so big Alaskan Airlines will charge me extra if I ever fly again. What in God’s Green Earth makes you think I care about neck hair?”
The truth is, I live out in the woods with The Missus, the dogs, a couple cats and thousands of trees. None of them care what I look like. Oh, The Missus used to care – she’d buy me a shirt now and then – but thirty-one years of marriage has broke her will to change me. She’s happy if I shower once a week and keep my nose hair under control.
![Steve in 2021](https://sigmadog.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/2021_Me_168x168.jpg)
About the Author
Topdog is Steve Merryman, a retired graphic designer, illustrator, and unrepentant asshole. Steve can usually be found working on a portrait commission or some other artwork. Steve fills his days by painting, writing, shootin' guns, cuttin' trees, hiking with his dogs, and savoring a beer or two, all while searching for the perfect cheeseburger. He studiously avoids social media and is occasionally without pants.
![Featured image for “Last Chance Cafe”](https://sigmadog.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/LCC-featImg.jpg)
Last Chance Cafe
![Featured image for “Rocks and Snow graphite series”](https://sigmadog.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/06/Rocks-and-Snow_featImg01b.jpg)
Rocks and Snow graphite series
![Featured image for “Scout”](https://sigmadog.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/Scout_FeatImg.jpg)
Scout
![Featured image for “Seamus Growls”](https://sigmadog.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/Seamus_FeatImg.jpg)
Seamus Growls
![Featured image for “Vasquez & Ripley”](https://sigmadog.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/VasRip_FeatImg.jpg)
Vasquez & Ripley
![Featured image for “White legs aren’t the problem, they’re the symptom”](https://sigmadog.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Appearances_FeatImg.jpg)
Comments 4
Well, if you collected your neck hair you could knit a cozy sweater. There. That’s my Earth Day thought for you.
Author
On a related note, I recently discovered to my dismay that Locks of Love does not accept back hair.
Tell them it was magically made by a labracadbrador.
Author
Ha! Not sure I could say that with a straight face.