Fires of Hell #1: Blair’s Sudden Death Sauce

Steve MerrymanAttitude1 Comment


Those who know me grow accustomed to my ways, and eventually don't even notice the odors. They also quickly discover that I love hot sauces. REALLY HOT sauces. That's what this series is about: my favorite hot sauces.


This is my all-time favorite hot sauce. Each bottle comes in a casket-shaped box and includes a skull key-ring. My current count of skull key rings is, I think, nine. I like this sauce, Bigly. But be warned: It’s hot. It’s very hot.

It’s so hot that when I watched the lava flows from that volcano in Hawaii, the one that destroyed all those homes in fire and heat, I said with a yawn, “That’s impressive, Demonic Spawn of Earth’s Molten Core. Now hold my beer.” And I grabbed my bottle of Sudden Death and a handful of tortilla chips and showed that fiery cauldron a thing or two.

Sudden Death should be sold with a fire extinguisher equipped with plastic straws (not available in California). It should come with hemorrhoid cooling ointment and a toilet seat made out of Arctic ice, or a stainless steel pipe refrigerated on the interior with coils of freon and a cone-shaped rubber top for anal cooling via insertion.

Honestly, I wouldn’t use that last one, as I consider my colon a one-way street. I don’t even allow for prostate exams. My standard line is, “Sure, Doc, you can try sticking your finger up there, but my clench is so hard I could use it to bend re-bar. So go ahead and give it a shot; you’ve got ten fingers to break, and I’ve got the time.”

But enough about what I do on the weekends…

I have, in the past, used too much Sudden Death in chili. To me, doing so is like marriage: Once is enough.

I mistakenly poured a teaspoon of Sudden Death on a taco one night and learned that my eyeballs can sweat, but only in the back, next to my brain. I swear it’s true.



Steve Merryman is a cranky old fart. He writes about things that make him tick, and things that tick him off. You may object to his views; you may think he's a moron; and you might wish to tell him so. In return he would remind you that his lack of concern for your feelings is only exceeded by his indifference to your opinions.

One Comment on “Fires of Hell #1: Blair’s Sudden Death Sauce”

  1. Pingback: Dog Death Poems are not my thing - PetArtWorks

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