Recently the local Democratic Socialists (but I repeat myself) issued a letter of demands on behalf of bums, junkies and hobos… er, I mean The Homeless®. And one of the BumLeaders threatened “revolution” if Spokane didn’t jump forthwith to his tune and “fix” the homeless problem.
Well, okay then.
There wasn’t much in the way of specifics in his presentation. But I’m an intrepid internet reporter, so I used my vast experience in deep research and my connections to The Street by flashing a few fivers and trolling an open bottle of Colt 45 Malt Liquor with a string attached. It took a few minutes of haggling (two more Colt 45’s and fifth of Jager), but I now know exactly what the The Homeless® are demanding:
Unfortunately, The Homeless® and socialists are never happy with just one shrubbery, or even two. In fact, if you chop down the mightiest tree in the forest using a herring, I guarantee there would be another demand right on the heels of that ("We want PEZ! The Elvis version!").
There are certainly genuine homeless people who have fallen on hard times and deserve help, but bums, junkies, and socialists aren't among them. There are also people suffering from mental problems, and we should do what we can for them. I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about the vast majority (in my opinion) of those who choose to live on the streets because they like it. They deserve nothing from us (other than a kick in the ass and a hearty shove out of town).
Bums, junkies and especially socialists don't want to end homelessness. They want to make us feel guilty for the comfort we've worked hard to achieve. They want free shit. They want to make homelessness not only acceptable, but celebrated, like it's some kind of virtue. These demonstrations, protests and homeless encampments are a racket that's playing out in many cities across the country, and it's all bullshit.